Respect in the Self-Actualizing Family

by Linda Kreiger Silverman, Gifted Development Center

The family is a microcosm of society.  It can be violent and disempowering or supportive and empowering.  If we were fortunate enough to be treated with respect in our own childhoods, we have an easier time treating our own children respectfully. If we were not as fortunate, it is a challenge to get beyond the programming and poor role-modeling to become the kind of parent we wish we had had.  As difficult as it may seem at times, if we accept this challenge, not only do we gain greater family harmony, but we help create a better society in the bargain.  We learn how to be a member of society in the miniature society of our families.  We learn how to compete and manipulate in order to gain advantage over others or we learn how to cooperate, negotiate and resolve conflicts in a way that serves everyone.

 The basic premise in a self-actualizing family is that everyone is of equal worth.  Therefore, everyone's opinion is listened to, everyone shares in the responsibilities, and everyone participates in decisions that affect the family.  In this way, the family becomes a true community in which all members are encouraged to develop to their fullest.  Unfortunately, we have few models of such families. Inequality in the family is the norm, just as it is in society.  Adults have more rights than children and children are supposed to respect their elders.  The breadwinner may have more rights than anyone else in the family.  Inequity breeds tension and is fertile ground for exploitation.  Adults who thrive on power over others are often abusive to their children, and family members who feel disempowered become manipulative, distrustful and secretive.  Home becomes a war zone instead of a safety net.

 We convey respect to children in the ways in which we communicate to them.  I use this exercise to help parents become more conscious of their communication patterns:

"Close your eyes and imagine that you are asking your mother-in-law to get off the phone.  Observe everything you can about yourself. Now imagine that you are asking your child to get off the phone.  What differences do you notice in your choice of words, tone of voice, facial expression, body posture, amount of wait time?  Why does your mother-in-law warrant being treated differently from your child?"

Do we listen to our children with the same degree of attention that we give to our friends?  Of course, we can't always respond when they want us.  One suggestion I give to parents is to say to their children something like, "I can't give you my full attention right now because I'm making dinner, but I promise you that as soon as I'm finished, I'll sit down with you and we can talk."

 Do we explain our reasoning to children?  "Do it because I said so" is not only disrespectful, it is also ineffective with the new children.  These children are much more cooperative if they understand the reasons they are asked to do (or not do) certain things.  We wouldn't demand that our friends or parents "do it because I said so." 

 Do we try not to interrupt children?  A handyman at a school for the gifted noted that when a student tries to talk to a teacher when she's talking with another adult, the student is scolded for interrupting, but when a student is talking with him, some teachers think nothing of interrupting the student.  He has begun saying, "I'm talking with this person right now, and I'll be with you as soon as I'm finished."

 Do we give children legitimate choices?  Even very young children can choose which books they want read to them, which foods they like, which outfits they want to wear, etc.  Allowing children to choose between two acceptable alternatives is a good way to start.  As they get older, they can expand their choices.  I have found that 4- and 5-year-old gifted children can effectively select a school when given two or three choices.  Any child who is being considered for acceleration or early entrance should be consulted and given the opportunity to think about the pros and cons of such a decision.  When parents actively seek the opinions of their children on school placement matters, their children usually have excellent school adjustment.

 Do we give children responsibilities?  Even very young children can help fold washcloths or sort silverware or help set the table or pick up toys and put them in the toy box.  Responsibilities should increase with age.  Children can be given choices of responsibilities as they get older, or they can choose when they fulfill their responsibilities, but in a community, everyone helps.

 Do we give children opportunities for conflict negotiation?  If parents jump in and take responsibility for resolving each squabble among their children, children learn little about conflict negotiation.  Instead of interrogating to see who is at fault and who is to be punished, it is better to teach children how to work through inevitable disagreements until everyone is satisfied.  Bright children can begin to understand the concept of reciprocity when they reach the mental age of 7 or 8 (which may occur at 4 or 5).  When a child cries "That's not fair!" the parent can respond, "Fair to whom?"  This helps the child move away from thinking of "fair" in terms of getting what he or she wants toward understanding that fairness applies to everyone involved.

 Do we refrain from comparing our children to others?  Comparisons breed competitiveness and envy.  There is very little room for competition in the self-actualizing family.  Everyone takes pride in the accomplishments of each individual member.  The uniqueness of each individual is respected and the unique contribution that each member of the family can make to the whole is recognized and valued.

 Do we teach through example that the means never justify the ends?  This is a universal ethical principle.  There is never a "good" reason for humiliating or using physical violence against a child.  For that matter, dishonesty in the name of "protection" is also inappropriate.  Children learn the means rather than the ends.  They learn the acceptability of abusiveness and lies.   We need to choose respectful methods to attain our goals.

 The new children have a keen sense of justice; they respond well to democratic approaches in which they have a voice in decision making and poorly to authoritarian parenting styles.  Fortunately, most parents I have worked with appear to reason with their children rather than resorting to punishment and other forms of external power.  Conflicts with adolescents are resolved by accepting them as peers and sharing power.  This appears to be true with younger children as well.  Children tend to behave manipulatively or disrespectfully in situations in which they feel powerless or not respected.  The antidote is to create a family system with a balance of power, in which all members feel supported.

 One method of balancing power in a family is by establishing a family meeting—a regularly scheduled meeting of the entire family.  A family meeting provides direct experience in democratic decision making.  Everyone is given an opportunity to air grievances, request changes in rules, learn negotiation skills, learn conflict resolution techniques, and practice effective communication skills on a routine basis.  Family meetings can also be a vehicle for building self-esteem and family solidarity.  A time for compliments can be included as well as a time for complaints and the meetings can end with shared activities, such as reading aloud. Children can participate competently in family council meetings at about seven years old, although even preschoolers respond well to this approach.

 In a family meeting, everyone is treated like an equal and works together to resolve issues equitably.  Our meetings were held on Sunday evenings after a family dinner.  We always began with a round of compliments, followed by "complaints."  Conflicts were discussed until they were resolved to everyone's satisfaction.  We all took turns cooking dinner, and meals were planned during the meeting.  A shopping list was circulated so that the ingredients needed for each meal would be purchased.  (Our youngest child served us tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches once a week until we finally taught him how to cook something else!)  We had a rule that anything left out in a common living area was confiscated at 10:00 PM and the "confiscator”—a rotating responsibility—collected a quarter for each item which was saved for special occasions.  Our meetings ended with a shared activity, such as reading aloud from a book of high adventure.

 It helps to think of the new children as adults trapped in children's bodies.  If they are spoken to and listened to as adults, they feel respected and tend to respond respectfully.  In families in which children are taken seriously as cherished friends, there is little adolescent rebellion.  Friendships formed among family members in childhood last a lifetime.  The self-actualizing family provides a strong foundation for all of its members to go into the world and become their finest selves.  It is only through being treated with respect that one truly learns to respect everyone on the planet—and even the planet itself.